An Open Letter to Tanya Lee H.

Writer’s note: I am writing this week’s post to all my blogs as I feel that it is important not only to me, but also to those who have those long unanswered questions about me. Some of the information presented here may be offensive to some people. Reader discretion is advised.

Dear Tanya Lee H.:

In 11 days on May 25, 2014, you will be getting married in some place called Diamond Bar, California.

The bad news is that it is not to me.

The worse news is that I feel that it is a HUGE mistake.

Of course, you could say that I am jealous that it is not me that you are marrying.

However, after stalking your future husband’s Twitter and Facebook accounts, it appears that this guy is nothing but a self-centered jerk. I am basing this solely on what I have read and seen online of this guy. I feel that this wedding is more of a matter of social convenience rather than the true love that we (yes, us) could and should have had.

Let me now rewind the story back a few years ago when we first met.

I had been working with your brother Rob for a few years when you started working as a cashier at Staples. During your employment with Staples, we talked all the time when we weren’t busy.

We learned a lot about each other. So much so that I felt like we belonged together. I thought that possibly that you felt the same way.

But something bothered me.

There were some things that you said to me that disturbed me. While I don’t want to mention them here, I internally questioned your social stability.

After having been through other toxic relationships in the past, I was personally scared of what life would be like if we were alone together on a date or something like that. I really wanted to be with you, but felt that working together would violate company policy and I think you felt the same way.

Then the day came.

You decided to quit the company. I dreaded this day ever since I learned it was going to happen. I was bothered that I was losing my best friend and confidant.

It was on that last night together that you hugged me and gave me your telephone number.

This was actually 2 firsts. Nobody had ever hugged me before. Don’t laugh – it is true. The funny thing was I finally felt loved for the first time in my life.

The second first was that Tanya gave me her telephone number. Again nobody has ever given me their number before much less a female.

However, and it was a big however, was she said to me “call me if you want”. These words became etched in my head like as if she really was interested, but may not be interested.

To say I was confused by this would be an understatement. I was actually set back as if she was pushing me away while at the same time wanting me.

Then the worse thing happened. I lost her phone number. Make that I misplaced it and it got cleanly washed away.

So I could not call her. The phone number was not in the book and I had no way of reaching her. All of a sudden my life turned to crap.

For weeks, I was hoping that you would return back to Staples so that we could talk about getting together.

But it didn’t happen.

Disappointment was mounting.

Then one Tuesday, while at the mall, I saw you at the late Waldenbooks store sitting on one of the benches looking at a book with a female friend. I tried hard not to be seen by you as I did not want to embarrass you or your friend.

Luckily, I was able to leave the store without being seen.

About a half-hour later, my luck ran out. I was at Best Buy with my mother shopping and you were alone and noticed me. I remember I was looking at “The Mummy” DVDs and you focused your radar on me.

This is where everything went wrong. You asked me why I didn’t call you. I tried to be diplomatic in my conversation with you especially since I had my mother with me and she did not know about you. I tried to tell you that I wanted to talk later someplace alone. It appeared that you wanted none of that.

Then you stormed off out of the store.

At this point, I had a choice. I could leave my mother in the store alone (mistake) or I could chase after you and talk to you right then and there (possibly a bigger mistake). I decided to choose the former.

Sadly, at this point, I never saw you ever again. Over the next couple of weeks, I continued to spindle downward with no bottom in site.

Then it happened.

I was driving home one night from work and I was listening to the radio. This song came on the radio that struck me like lightning.

The song was “So Yesterday” by a girl named Hilary Duff. Suddenly, this song related to what happened between me and Tanya. This song wedged in my head so much that I could not shake it. The more I heard it over the next couple of days, the more I related to it.

At this point, I decided to learn more about this Hilary Duff girl. I found out that she was the star of a popular Disney Channel show “Lizzie McGuire”. I decided to watch an episode just to get a feeling for what this girl was really like.

Then it happened.

I was hooked on Hilary. Like a druggie, I could not get enough Duff. I bought CDs, DVDs, magazines, books and anything else with her in it.

I was obsessed. It became so bad that I asked Best Buy if I could have a large poster of her when they were finished using it. I did the same at f.y.e. with a poster they had as well. I also asked there if I could have the “Lizzie McGuire Movie” video display when they were done with it. They allowed me to have it.

At this point, it seemed that I was completely obsessed with Hilary, even going to the point of carrying the lyrics of “So Yesterday” in my pocket and reading them when I was depressed.

I was also joining as many online groups as I could from Yahoo to feed my desire for pictures, comments or anything else related to Hilary.

It would be obvious at this point I was not only obsessed, but crazy about her. Some online groups shunned people like me for being “too old” for being a fan. I told them that real fans came in all ages. Certainly, I was not alone in my beliefs.

Then the big one happened.

Lizzie McGuire was done, but my obsession was not.

I had to find a new outlet for social relief.

So I started watching other Disney shows at the time such as “Suite Life of Zack and Cody”, “Hannah Montana” and “Wizards of Waverly Place” among others. I quickly became obsessed with these shows as well.

I would buy as many of the teen magazines as I possibly could every month even though I was really too old for them. It became apparent that I needed an intervention.

Before that would happen, I started watching shows on Nickelodeon as the shows on Disney Channel became stale. Once again, my obsession with kid and teen shows grew.

At this point, much of my thoughts had turned away from Tanya. However, one day while on the old MySpace, I decided to friend her out of the blue. It appeared she either rejected me or ignored me. At this point, I also noticed that she was living somewhere in the Midwest. This bothered me as it seemed she wanted nothing to with me at all anymore.

So with no future with Tanya and no intervention, I was further encouraged with my admiration for people like Hilary over the remainder of time that I remained employed at Staples.

After leaving Staples, I decided that I was finally going to join the new social media revolution. I signed up for Facebook and Twitter. Quickly some of my old work colleagues friended me on Facebook and soon I would be using Twitter extensively as well.

Then I decided one day to look up Tanya on Facebook and Twitter. I noticed on Facebook that she had since moved to Sherman Oaks California. On Twitter, she had an account, but she has never tweeted. I am only one of four of her followers. I wonder if she knows that I am following her there even though she has never tweeted anything. I also noticed that another one of her followers was a guy named Dave V.

So I decided to investigate him. What I saw I didn’t like. Then I did more and more reading about him, the less I liked.

This brings us up to the last couple of months. I decided to Google Tanya’s name and I found out that she was engaged to this Dave guy. Imagine the fact that I was completely heartbroken beyond belief.

So she moved 3,000 miles away to get away from me and then get engaged to someone else. It appeared that my chances with her were over.

However, I still needed an output for my emotions. So, a few months after starting my anti-Staples blog, I decided to start a new blog discussing virtually any other topic. Ironically, many of those postings have been about teen shows just to help me cope with my social loss. I know that many people have always been confused why I discuss these types of shows more than adult shows, but now I hopefully have cleared up the method behind my madness. It is just my way of producing my own intervention or something like it.

Overall, Tanya’s wedding will not have my blessing under any circumstances. I feel that I was shortchanged in this relationship as she refused to listen to me that I really wanted her, but I could not contact her because she was not found in the phonebook or any other method. I don’t feel that I was to be to blame for this relationship failure, but a huge misunderstanding between 2 people.

Lastly, I still have those posters of Hilary on my living room wall and the “Lizzie McGuire” is still in my bedroom filled with all those teen books and video tapes from back in the day.

Tanya, you may be so yesterday, but I still wish that you would be really part of my tomorrow.

I am hoping someday you will get to read this and know that I still really care about you despite being so far away. I wish I could right the wrongs of the past.

Sincerely,

Louis Brown

(your best friend from Staples)